my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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