I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
