If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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