Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
