Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
