if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
