How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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