Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
