Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
