My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
