I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
