This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
