i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
