the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
