College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
