bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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