i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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