I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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