Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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