I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
