i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
