Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
