remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We're too hungover to prance.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
