I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
