its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
