I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
