Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
