Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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