I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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