someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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