I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
