hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
