Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
