Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
