My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
