bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
