So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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