Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
