I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
