just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
