I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
