i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
