so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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