Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
