I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's official drugs can't kill me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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