your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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