i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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