Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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