I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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