I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
we should paint friendship bongs
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