there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
